Some NFL pregame shows are more watchable than others. To the proud few worth tuning into, we salute you.
The 90 minutes preceding Sunday football action can be an exercise in finding the mute button. (1)
Many a broadcaster aren't worth their weight in 30-second attention spans -- in large part because they can't hold them.
They try, rambling in circles and talking in cliches (2), all too often mistaking playing careers for justifications for being totally unprepared and expecting to cheese the pants off of audience like they're their old grade school teachers.
Warren Sapp, you're not a 10-year-old manchild anymore. It just doesn't work. (3)
But there are some worth watching, an exclusive bunch we're paying homage to.
I'd at first punched in "NFL Pregame Shows You'd Rather Watch than Put Out an Eye (Really, There's Only a Few)" as the heading for this slideshow, but I'm pretty sure that ignored every fundamental tenet of search engine optimization.
And if you can't find it, you can't read it, and shower me with compliments about being the wittiest and most fundamentally accurate dude ever.
Instead, we have a substantially more SEO-friendly (though bland and less comically) "Power Ranking the Top NFL Pregame Shows on Network TV 2011."
Hope you enjoy.
(1) Hey, some controllers are tricky like that. And then there's the perilous disconnect between TV and cable remotes, which sometimes need to be synched. (3) Near tragedy.
(2) Since I already missed the opportunity to rank the "Top 5 draft cliches that render Mike Mayock unwatchable," maybe I should get cracking on the "Top 5 most awesomely bad analyst cliches." Pretty sure "when you look at" and "to a man" and "here's a guy who" have already clinched spots.
(3) While I don't particularly like Sapp's approach, and believe that he wrongly pegs his playing career to credibility that you have to earn, I actually have no idea how the guy preps. Really. That was just a joke. I'm sure he works very hard at what he does, even though it's not on the NFL Network's pregame shows and if the finished product is that horrendous.
(5) Happens when you have Verizon FiOS in every room of the house, and housemates who double as game freaks, and consequently triple as AA battery stealers when they're overcome by the "game freak itch" and frustration with their depleted Xbox controllers.
Stripped of batteries so your junkie gamer housemates can get their fix, only one flipper is left functional. So multiple remotes are often brought into the living room solely to channel surf, thus rendering them indecipherable from one another, and forcing this guy (thumbs pointed at self) to Google how to program a remote to be able to power a given TV on/off and change volume.
(6) For those of you mulling moving into off-campus college housing, this is what you have to look forward to. (7)
(7) I'm just kidding. It actually ranks among the Top 5 boss experiences of all time, second to an armful B/R-unfriendly allusions I don't care to get fired for making.
The Divide: ESPN, NBC, NFL Network and Everybody Else
No disrespect to CBS and Fox, but your pregame shows are atrocities that rival a flesh-eating bacteria.
Seriously. I genuinely wonder how many flakes of my face will crumble into nothingness every time Jay Glazer parses his lips.
All horrendousness considered, we have to somewhat augment the ranking.
See, traditional Nos. 1-5 rankings imply a relative parity among the list. No. 1s are exceptional, of course, but it's assumed they're at least in the same country code as No. 5s -- unless we're talking about ESPN's Total QBR, that putTom Brady(No. 1 in 2010) farther ahead ofPeyton Manning(No. 2) than Manning was fromPhilip Rivers(No. 9).
Coincidentally, that's kind of how this works. There's an unquestionably upper stratum reserved exclusively for ESPN, NBC and NFL Network programming, while everyone else hobbles along in futility.
But we couldn't have a three-slide show. Nor would we have the opportunity to clown on...
What? Sapp doesn't work NFL Network's pregame show? Only NFL: Total Access ?
Man...
We still have got Deion Sanders though, right?
Whew...
Anyway: We needed to set the parameters of our critique before moving forward, and clear up the ambiguity of a traditional 1-5 power ranking.
So we took a liberty (or a few).
Color Analysts -- Charlie Casserly, Bill Cowher, Boomer Esiason, Dan Marino, Shannon Sharpe
Anyone who follows my work is probably taken aback:
Where the hell is this guy's rubric slide?! He ALWAYS has a rubric slide?!
I know, I know. It's probably a little unsettlling, that sudden unreliability from something you presumed a staple in your life. I mean what's next? S&P downgrading U.S. T-bills?
...
But don't fret. You're actually getting exactly what you came for, albeit a somewhat tailored form. Instead of throwing together a criteria slide -- an explanation of how I evaluate the different variables in a given subjective analysis -- I figured I'd jump straight to the CBS slide.
Read this, and then reverse engineer it to read everything that it's not: what a pregame show should be.
This team is horrendous. Absolutely no chemistry. Less timing. Perspective you'd think would blow the roof off, but reduces the set to programming rubble faster than an F-bomb blitzkrieg. I'd rather endure a gout flare than five minutes these guys. Seriously.
Truthfully, I don't understand. Here you have the greatest quarterback (arguably) ever in Marino. One of the longest tenured coaches (a euphemism for best) all-time in Cowher. A seeming one-liner factory in Sharpe. And one of the most entertaining radio men simulcast on TV in Esiason.
How isn't this TV gold?
But they can't make it work. Sure, you expected Charley Casserly to be a train wreck like the Lindsay Lohan bender scene cut out of Unstoppable. (1) But the rest of them?
I just don't get it. The halftime shows are an entirely separate entity, which should be as inadmissible here as hearsay is in court, but have you seen them? You'd think they're translating Mandarin Chinese on the fly.
Who knows? Maybe this year the EP on the show will iron them out and make it something reputable.
I'm actually totally kidding. You know he won't. It'll just be bad.
(1) Haven't seen the director's cut DVD yet, but I'd bet my life savings it's there. All $7.15 of it.
Color Analysts -- Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, Jimmy Johnson, Michael Strahan, Jay Glazer
This slide should read nearly identically to the CBS one, only with name changes.
Same with the CBS crew: I really want to like these guys. Menefee isn't particularly horrible, just not much to rave about. Terry Bradshaw is one of only two quarterbacks with four Super Bowl rings. Jimmy Johnson coached my favorite team through its most recent dynasty (1). Howie Long starred in the most underappreciated movie of our time ( 3,000 Miles to Graceland ) and three of the most awesomely bad ones ( Firestorm, Broken Arrow and The Highway Man ).
Granted, Jay Glazer's voice (and, albeit less frequently, his journalism) resonates like dying kittens doing backup vocals on a Macy Gray jam. But Frank Caliendo's one-for-five hit rate with his impressions more-than-compensates -- and even for the intermittent 30 seconds when Michael Strahan breathes words.
I just don't get it...
Though apparently, neither do they.
(1) You can even count him as the ghost writer for Barry Switzer's Super Bowl narrative. And why wouldn't you? Everyone else does.
Color Analysts -- Tony Dungy, Cris Collinsworth, Rodney Harrison, Mike Florio, Peter King
Ahh, we crack the upper echelon at last. Finally a crew bearing semblance to reputability.
And it's important to note: That's my assessment having actually calculated Costas' over-pontificated 45-second monologues in the wee hours before kickoff. Swear, the dude is the Samuel L. of broadcasting. He just tries too hard. Difference between he and Jackson, though, is that when Jackson overacts, we gettimeless (and countless) Youtube clips of his epically delivered one-liners.
With Costas, we get crickets and a shrug. Really. I won't go as far as to relegate it to Michael Kay status -- really dude; who uses "genuflect" outside of a Catholic church service? -- but the ostentatious asides have got to stop. I actually knelt bedside for the lockout to persist, just to buy a few weeks of Costas-less Sundays.
As for the rest of the crew: Top knotch. Dungy is a natural. While I rarely side with his commentary, Rodney Harrison is both entertaining, compelling and credible -- the Top 3 in my rubric for broadcasting watchability. Completely the opposite is true with Collinsworth; can't really stand the guy's delivery, but defer to, and often agree with, his insight. And Peter King has mitigated my "bad cases of the Mondays" with ingeniousness for the three years since I started reading MMQB.
Plus -- and I'll get to this a little more with ESPN -- total sucker for their presentation. Much as you try to throw up the blinders to graphics and imaging, you have to incorporate their value in these considerations. For a facet of programming normally akin to umpiring -- the best job is the one you don't really notice -- to transcend its conventional bounds like this is pretty impressive.
So save for 50 of the most miserable seconds of the nation's week times 16, this package is altogether stellar.
Color Analysts -- Cris Carter, Mike Ditka, Tom Jackson, Keyshawn Johnson
Some might pointedly disagree, but I have to distinguish between The World Leader's pregame shows. They're two entirely different bouts of programming.
For one, Sunday NFL Countdown previews the entire gamut of that weekend's slate. More games, matchups, rivalries -- the coverage breadth is deeper than the puddle of analysis that immediately precedes a Monday Night Football game.
Displaced Cowboys fans sandwiched between New York and Philadelphia media markets would agree: this works out well for us. Maybe that's a selfish assessment, but I'm pretty sure you could rearrange my circumstances to seem less egocentric.
Could be a Jets fan trapped in the recesses of Oakland. Could be a Packers fan stuffed in some corner of the Windy City. Could be a Jaguars, Bills or Chargers fan, well, anywhere (1).
Have to give daps to the program for having the a.) most capable anchor (Chris Berman), b.) most top-to-bottom comprehensible crew (2), c.) sexiest sideline reporting (3), d.) most functional crazy old man (Mike Ditka), and e.) best aesthetics.
On the last one: Look, you can dress up a pig, but if it quacks like a...
Not really sure where I was going with that. Let's just disregard that last tangent entirely...
But on ESPN's imaging: It's top notch. Far and away the most storied music beds (4), and just the most appealing-to-the-eye visuals.
And if you think that doesn't matter...
There has an indelible premium placed on presentation. You could compile the best quotes and B-roll and eye candy and the works, but without the majestic touch of elite production and CGI, it looks and sounds flat. Like it or loathe it, we're very much a sensory-conscious society as it pertains to news consumption.
In other words: If it's not pretty, I'm not watching intently enough to absorb the commentary.
Since it is, and I clearly have...
There's no doubting this group's deficiencies: Keyshawn Johnson is atrocious. Ditka is on the precipice of senility (5). The Adam Schefter/Chris Mortensen experiment -- to glorify investigative reporters how not even Robert Redford playing Bob Woodward could, an inkling that it's freaking impossible -- was not only a godawful idea, but crashed and burned with a mushroom cloud of shame.
And Boomer has a pricelessYouTube videoblemishing his purported man's man lovability. Seems he is actually a lunatic.
Still, the crew overcomes their flaws. Cris Carter is a pro (6). Tom Jackson proves a more-than-serviceable compliment. And together, that vaguely laughable thing they have going just works.
So hats off to ESPN production, for jobs impeccably done. Even though they were done so well that Ed Sabol's legacy is slowly-but-surely eroding like an anthill in a monsoon.
(1) Reason No. 34 of 513 one of you is losing your sports franchise to L.A. In COMPLETELY unrelated news, the Los Angeles City council yesterday approved the financial framework needed as a prerequisite to break ground on constructing a new NFL stadium/vacuum with which to suck the football out of a current pro town.
Also equipped with a Nathan's hot dog stand, the stadium is scheduled to house a 54,000-mile long hose with a catcher's mitt attachment.
Don't be afraid, Jacksonville, Buffalo or San Diego... Works sort of like the Green Lantern with that guy who tears the life from you (Paralax). Only it's not triggered by fear, just egregious undeservedness of an NFL franchise.
So I guess one of you is screwed regardless...
(2) This isn't whether you agree with their analysis: it's whether you can (to paraphrase Chris Tucker) "understand the words that are coming out of [their] moufs." Kind of a shame, but you can't say that with two of the crews on this list.
And to think, being able to string together a coherent sentence -- when it's freaking smeared on a teleprompter inches in front of your face -- isn't a must-have quality in broadcasting.
Maybe there's hope for me yet...
(3) Bolstered infinitely by my unabated optimism that Jenn Brown makes the jump to the big time (aka NFL sidelines). Please God. Please...
(4) Which not only fits the personality of the show, but hasn't preempted the eventual dabble into insano-metal music. I swear... The first headbang after some one-foot-out network exec takes a desperation chance on Kyle Turley in his post-playing days for a headbanger's ball-themed show...
(5) Old people jokes are always fair game, though I have to note my ambivalence here because of Ditka's football history. Very likely that some of his zaniness is actually a residual of the brain-to-eggs scrambling that defined the NFL, circa 1965-80. So if any of Ditka's seemingly minor gaffes -- they're really not all that bad -- are concussion-related, I'm TOTALLY sympathetic.
Needed to note that.
(6) ...Use of "pro" like that conjures memories of the first time I saw Van Wilder . "You're a pro, you know that, Suk Mee? Pro." No, I don't want C.C tailoring my pants, and absolutely not with a lollipop in his mouth. I can just appreciate theatrical gameday analysis similarly to someone who's mastered the art of the perfect hem.
Color Analysts -- Cris Carter, Mike Ditka, Tom Jackson, Keyshawn Johnson, Matt Millen, Steve Young
However slightly, Stu Scott helps Monday Night Countdown over the edge. Even in a supporting role (1) -- he's primarily responsible for halftime coverage -- and even with recent (if not all-time) sports' history's worst executive beside him (2).
(And to fill my Matt Millen aside quota: is anybody else at least mildly taken aback how knowledgeable the man sounds. I mean, I'm pretty sure Joey Harrington, Charles Rodgers, Mike Williams, Roy Williams and Gosder Chirilius are tucked away like a claymore to disembowel any compliment headed Millen's way, but he kind of knows what he's talking about. Maybe this is another manifestation of Bill Simmons' curiosity about his observations of Isiah Thomas (3).)
And even with the comparably narrow coverage (it is only for one game after all) and reduced time slot (it's only 90 minutes, as opposed to Sunday NFL Countdown's two hours) MNC still gets the nod. It has to.
It's Monday Night Football, people. However artificial, that unparalleled enthusiasm has to tip the scales of favorability toward the preceding pregame show. It just does.
Call it an Inception perception vs. reality debate or hot air or whatever, but you can't argue that your receptiveness to MNC isn't drastically more open because of what it leads up to. Whether the advantage the only marginally expanded crew benefits from is fair or not is irrelevant.
MNC and MNF are symbiotes. And since MNF is No. 1 -- hardly doubt anybody's arguing that -- so too must MNC.
(1) Pretty sure the greatest role of the greatest actor of our time (Christian Bale as Dicky Eklund) in one of the greatest movies in recent memory ( The Fighter ) helped prop up the rest of an already otherworldly cast. (2)
(2) Remember people: You can't determine the star power of a cast before the opening credits. You have to see how they mesh, together, in their roles and within the parameters of the story. Focus...
Source:
No comments:
Post a Comment