Thanks to hate mail from my evil enemies alleging that I am a stupid ignoramus African-writer-hating book reviewer (I am!), I am back to my first love - marriage counselling. My people, I am here to rescue your marriages from the evil clutches of Satan! All of you, repeat after Pastor Ikhide: Divorce is not my portion, in Jesus' Name! Amen! OK, here goes: Your husband is in a peppersoup joint in Festac, refusing to come home. You call him repeatedly on his cell-phone, he won't come home. What does he want? Your husband is not telling. Men are strange that way. In fact right now, I am writing from a peppersoup joint in Washington DC, dodging bullets from thugs wearing pants around their knees, and refusing to go home.
The other day on Facebook, I was begging our great President, Chief Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, Papa of the Nation (PON) to make me a minister (Congratulations, OGA SIR for demolishing all your yeye enemies during the recent very free and fair elections. I am your prayer warrior; I evaporated all your enemies with Holy Ghost fire!). President Jonathan is the greatest thing to ever happen to our country since his lovely wife, the great Dame Dr Patience Jonathan, Mommy of Nigeria (MON) landed Aso Rock. Did you see the wonderful campaign jingle she made with "umbrella"? That jingle alone, not the stuffed ballots, won the election. Yes O, google "Umblerra"!
President Jonathan personally responds to his Facebook fans. Once, a final year English student of a great Nigerian University ‘loled' him: "Fine Presido! I hail! Pregnant me abeg! LOL!" She is now Special Assistant for Rebranding Yoot. She now has a mansion in Lekki. Well, she had - the rains swept it away. She will build another one, IJN. So, as I was trying to chat with Presido, a Facebook friend of mine started chatting with me. She asked: "Oga Ikhide, l want my husband to hug me, lick my toes, kiss me all over and read Pablo Neruda to me all night. The fool says I should go marry Neruda! What do men really, really, really want from us besides sex?" Answer: We don't want to lick your toes, tufiakwa!
All we want, besides sex, is sex, sex, and more sex. If women do not know this, it is because we do not like to say what we want because it gets us in trouble. Men get in trouble easily because women wrote the rules of marriage and they also enforce them. It is a conflict of interest, but women don't care about that. They love to make us miserable. Men even get in trouble for doing nothing; not paying the bills, not taking a bath and God forbid we should ask for sex, gulp! So we go to bars to talk about these things. Actually, we don't talk. We order peppersoup and many cases of beer, eat, drink, grunt, get up, say "Nna, we go see tomorrow!" and then head back home. I need to start an nkwobi joint in America.
Many Nigerian women are attentive to men's constitutional right to lots of sex, but some don't get it. Hint: If you come home to find that your husband who does not know the difference between a bedsheet and an aso-ebi wrapper has actually made the bed and fluffed the pillows, he wants sex, sex, and more sex. If out of the blue he calls you at work and you panic and ask "Wetin happen, abi somebody die?" and he responds "Em honey, I was just checking on you my darling!" he wants sex, sex, and more sex!" Now if he actually cooks pounded yam and ogbono soup for you, with oporoko and bushmeat, you will die from shock, from the bad cooking, or from the nonstop sex.
So when I told my Facebook friend that besides sex, men really want a lot of sex, she hissed and regretted that Facebook has no emoticons for "Agbaya idiot!!!" and "Na Gawd go punish you!!!" My friend is strange, she thinks allowing her husband sex is the most disgusting thing ever. I think that denying her loving husband sex is the most disgusting thing ever. The poor man sits on the couch with his big belle, farting, grunting and belching, scratching his butt and demanding ofensala and Heineken as he watches the Nigerian football teams Manchester United and Arsenal wallop each other. At half time he wants sex. He likes having sex while wearing his favourite Arsenal tee shirt. The tee shirt was last washed (by my friend) three years ago. If he would only take it off, she would wash it again. They live in Nigeria. Man, THAT is the life: Sex, Heineken, peppersoup and Nigerian football on demand. And no showers! Man, I miss Nigeria! Try that nonsense for America whether the anti-sex anti-man police nor go put your black ass for jail! I am going home to lick my wife's lovely toes. Who wan die?
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