Good morning all. I have just got the call to say that our resident over-by-over expert Rob Smyth is feeling unwell and so won't be able to make it in today. So until Alan Gardner reaches manages to reach the office, I'm afraid that you are going to left in the less than capable hands of myself. I know nothing about cricket other than it takes a few days and they're all scared of rain. So for the next hour or so, why don't we all talk about our favourite Seinfeld moments? I'll kick things off with a classic, when Kramer takes home the set of the Merv Griffin show.
The sun is shining at the Rose Bowl. I'm guessing we're going to have some cricket. The lads in the Sky studio seem confident that England will do well today. Knowing no better, I'll have to believe them.The sun is shining at the Rose Bowl. I'm guessing we're going to have some cricket. The lads in the Sky studio seem confident that England will do well today. Knowing no better, I'll have to believe them.
My first email. Huzzah! And it's from Ron Leach who says: "Delighted to read that you don't know anything about cricket; you'll be among friends here, then. You'll enjoy your day". I'm not sure enjoy is the right word. Sheer terror might be more apt.
Nasser Hussain is talking about Kevin Pietersen. He keeps using the world whack. Whack, whack, whack, whack. I feel like I've been left out of a joke here.
10:52am: This being my first over-by-over (I'm usually the guy who makes the coffee in the office) I've just realised that we need to put these time markers at the start. Done. David Gower tells me that the cricket is about to start. But not before Sky get a montage in. They do love those montages, don't they?
10:59am: A second email. This time from Tom Crane, who assures me "most of us reading this are still blotto on gin and Relentless from last night." Let's hope so Tom. Otherwise, this over-by-over may not make much sense. Tom also warms to the Seinfeld theme of the morning with two great picks. This one and this one.
48th over: Jimmy Anderson has hit the boundary. That's a 4 right? England are now 203 for 4. Stephen Armson's favourite Seinfeld scene involves one of my favourite characters Tim Whatley. You can watch it here.
49th over: Nothing has changed. It's still 203-4. You really need a lot of patience to watch this sport don't you? Daryl Vodden has hollered. "Don't worry about a lack of cricketing knowledge old boy. I guarantee you that, by the end of the day, you'll be using phrases such as 'laced it through the covers' and 'lost his off peg'. And I promise you they're not dirty."
I'm not sure I believe him. Can someone verify those phrases for me please?
51st over: Crap! I was so distracted by the Seinfeld clips coming in that I seemed to have missed an over. Since then, something has happened. Ian Bell nearly got caught and it's now 208-4. "I'm looking forward to this," says Robin Hazlehurst. "Not the cricket, the OBO, it's always much funnier when done by someone who doesn't know what is going on. Scott Murray (I think) even managed to make Formula 1 interesting once by blatantly having no clue or giving the slightest one. Klutzian commentary is an art form in its own right, I'll enjoy your effort at it. No pressure then." No pressure indeed.
52nd over: A man sharing the same name as one of the lads from Jackass, Ryan Dunne, has emailed in with an interesting tangent. "Personally I maintain that Liz Hurely is an underrated actress, superior to Patsy Kensit." Really? Actually, now that I think of it, I'm not sure I can even name one movie that Patsy Kensit was in. Oooooh. More action. A ball was thrown close to those long pieces of wood but the lad with the bat, according to the big screen TV, managed to make back just in time. It's now 217-4.
53rd over: "This could go down as a classic," says Jamie Westwood. Hmmm. Maybe not. England are now 220-4. "No pressure at all but could you enliven my journey with a discussion of the role of the night watchman in this situation?" asks Ali Robertson. There's a night watchman? Does one of the cricketers walk around the oval with a torch in one hand and a dangerous dog on a lead in the other, looking for some nerdowels breaking in?
OK folks. The expert that is Alan Gardner is taking over from me. Thanks for the email and the Seinfeld clips. After this, they will never let me near the over-by-overs again. Enjoy the rest of the day. I'm off to make tea.
56th over: England 223-4 (Bell 49, Anderson 18) Morning all. So, the law of Sod (and indeed Murphy) is working nicely, then. Where's the rain when you need it? I was planning to come in at 1pm an study cumulus for a couple of hours. Of course, my toast fell buttered-side down this morning too. Anyway, many thanks to Ian for stepping into the breach ... the weird thing is we were discussing the sacred OBO/MBM tradition last night, and he said the one thing he didn't really fancy was cricket. You wouldn't have thought it, would you? A sparkling debut.
57th over: England 228-4 (Bell 53, Anderson 19) That's fifty for Ian Bell, with a silky late cut to third man. He is batting like a dream right now, isn't he? The very next ball he plays and misses. Errrrm. Lakmal then spears one right through the batsman – a good delivery ... There is actually a touch of rain in the air at the Rose Bowl, now I've sat down and got strapped in. The umpires have decided it's not enough to take the players off, which is a cue for much cheering in the stands.
58th over: England 236-4 (Bell 53, Anderson 27) Shot! Jimmy Anderson blaps an uppish drive through the covers for four. And then he does it again, this time played even more expertly, into the ground and racing away to the rope. And Mike Atherton says he doesn't like nightwatchmen, eh? And that's not a reference to Ian. Ah, now then ...
WICKET! Anderson c P Jayawardene b Welegedara (58th over: England 236-5) Jimmy has another swing outside off but this time the ball is too short and too close, cramping him slightly, and he only succeeds in snicking the delivery through to the keeper. So, Sri Lanka have traded Anderson for Eoin Morgan – I'm not sure they'll be ecstatic about that.
59th over: England 239-5 (Bell 56, Morgan 0) "Ian McCourt managed to get through his stint covering the OBO without once mentioning, Relentless, last night's drinking, what he's eating or Gary Naylor ... are you sure he's one of you?" It's a legitimate question, Elizabeth O'Connor, but we're confident he can be moulded. He does have an astronaut pen, which makes him a pretty valuable person to have around. That's three from the over.
60th over: England 239-5 (Bell 56, Morgan 0) Mike Atherton and Shane Warne are discussing the work Warnie's recently had done ruminating on how Sri Lanka might get rid of Morgan – pitch it up and see if he knows where his off-stump is, seems to be the reasonable conclusion. He can look a little wobbly against pace early on. "We all wish Rob Smyth well but is his indisposition caused by Intense Chagrin at seeing a byline photo on the back page of the Observer showing him with quite a lot of hair?" wonders John Starbuck. How do you he doesn't still look like that, John? Or hasn't done a Rooney?
61st over: England 239-5 (Bell 56, Morgan 0) This is watchful stuff, but the conditions to demand concentration. A solid partnership between these two could see England 200 ahead by some point in the evening session and with the possibility of forcing a result ... Meanwhile, that's another maiden. "While I have every sympathy for Rob not being able to make it in because he's unwell, does this really preclude him from doing his job? After all, instead of being sat in an office watching the cricket all day while on the internet, surely he'll now simply be curled up on the sofa watching the cricket all day while on the internet?" Simon Pegg's mate Nick Frost forgets that Smyth wouldn't be able to type if he was clutching his belly. Thinking, always thinking.
62nd over: England 242-5 (Bell 57, Morgan 2) "Why finger an open wound, Robin Hazlehurst (51st over)? Mr Petrol's still bitter that he didn't land the Pulitzer. In fairness, though, that F1 report is a journalistic masterclass compared to his Le Mans 24-hour efforts, also from that heady summer of 2007. A whole day's worth of lap after interminable lap, and the two hapless GU stooges miss the only big crash because they've mistimed their switchover. Thank you, my Guardian Sport!" This OBO entry was brought to you by Scott Murray. He's not bad at everything, though, honest. Morgan gets off the mark with a flick into the legside. And that's drinks. Mine's a gin.
63rd over: England 247-5 (Bell 58, Morgan 6) Bell squirts a low edge past the diving man at point; that brings Morgan on strike and he rotates those Popeye forearms through a ferocious cut for four. Somewhere, Smyth is smiling through the nausea. David Gower then notes that Morgan didn't quite get on top of the ball. C'mon David, no rain today! Here's Tom v d Gucht: "Congrats to Ian McCourt for literally manning up and manning the OBO. I was especially interested by the Kensit vs. Hurley debate that took place during his watch. Personally I think he missed a trick by forgetting to add Tara Fitzgerald, the Jenny Agutter of the 90's, into the mix." I don't really know what that refers to but hey, I was certainly a fan of the Railway Children. Or have I said too much?
64th over: England 251-5 (Bell 62, Morgan 6) Four from Bell, timed from the precise, mathematic middle of the bat. Watching Ian Ronald at the crease is one of life's simple joys, isn't it? Like a new Jonathan Franzen novel, or Dutch ovening your girlfriend yourself. "Lots of chat on TMS about the 'declaration' (not getting ahead of ourselves here, at all)," notes a frowning James Gordon. "The pundits want an early declaration (around 150 lead). They think England will play safe and hang in for more. My bet is the 200-220 spread. Any thoughts?" I think, as the TMS boys suggest, Strauss is more likely to plan for a 200-250 lead before (theoretically) bringing them in. The precedent suggests conservatism, though I reckon having a good rattle at them this evening makes sense – the weather is supposed to be filthy tomorrow.
65th over: England 254-5 (Bell 63, Morgan 7) It's overcast at the Rose Bowl but the ball isn't doing a great deal for either Lakmal or Welegedara. I suppose it is 60-odd overs old ... "Do you think Estee Lauder take money off Liz Hurley every time Shane Warne credits them for his ludicrous stretched face? I'm not sure the new Morgan Spurlock film will be able to top it as a means of sabotaging the product placement market." Maybe, Dan Smith, but I think Cuprinol might offer a bit of bunce to even things out.
66th over: England 255-5 (Bell 64, Morgan 7) Bell and Morgan, despite looking very much like a pair of juniors, are ticking along comfortably. If it's boys versus men I know which side I want to be on. Marrying up two of today's topics is Adamses Toupinet. "Smyth's off to Warne's cosmetologist to have a Face Transplant, nu? About time ..." As we all know on the OBO, beauty is only skin deep; you just need a very thick skin to work here.
67th over: England 262-5 (Bell 69, Morgan 7) Pshaw! Dilhara Fernando chugs up to the wicket with all the menace of a Shetland pony and Bell promptly whups his first ball straight to the boundary. It was a real loosener but that was a pant-tighteningly good cover drive – the ball appeared to teleport straight to the rope. Fernando, who pulled up yesterday, does not look fit. "Also on TMS they're talking about 'cage cricket'," chirrups John Starbuck. "This, it seems, is not an attempt to beef up the game with extra violence, but using some of our 10,000 abandoned tennis courts to nurture the game for youngsters. Which rules will need to be bent, though? And could you have an imaginary Blow-Up type game of cricket?" Would that be effectively playing on a concrete wicket? I suppose it would eradicate any weakness against the short ball early on ...
68th over: England 267-5 (Bell 69, Morgan 12) We have a change at both ends as Thisara Perera comes on. Morgan greets his arrival with a crisp punch down the ground for four. "Miss Kensit did appear in one of the Lethal Weapon movies," notes Alan Holmes, on a subject I still don't fully ken. And here's Gary Naylor, prolonging what is doubtless a cheap and dirty solid gold riff: "Re Mr Dunne's point in the 52nd over, I would place Liz Hurley just above Patsy Kensit... given the chance."
69th over: England 268-5 (Bell 69, Morgan 13) Fernando continues, though his speed is well down. On Sky, Nasser Hussain wonders why Sangakkara hasn't used Herath, rather than deplete his slim fast bowling resources ahead of the arrival of the new ball. On a different but no less pressing subject, does anyone have a number for Vandelay Industries?
70th over: England 273-5 (Bell 70, Morgan 16) "What were you like as a captain when there was weather around," Nass asks Warne, as if there were occasions when the weather wasn't around. England, of course, don't need to win this Test – and it would be pretty hard to lose it from this point – but it will be interesting to see what they do later today, given the likelihood that tomorrow will be stop-start at best. If England want to stamp their "No1" credentials over this series, they should really back themselves to put Sri Lanka in later this afternoon and have another go at skittling them. Even if Sri Lanka sandbag their way through the final four sessions, what harm can it do?
71st over: England 275-5 (Bell 70, Morgan 18) Morgan tickles Fernando (not literally) for two. Here's James Womack, who basically cannot concentrate on one thing at a time: "Oh, the globalised world. I'm in Madrid, following the cricket on the OBO, listening to The Food Programme on Radio 4 and now thinking about Patsy Kensit in Twenty-One, a formative experience from my adolescence. It's like a Little England version of Proust. Making Russian salad for lunch, which might end up dislocating me completely." What's a Russian salad? A cabbage?
72nd over: England 278-5 (Bell 72, Morgan 19) On comes Herath, 15 minutes before lunch. Nothing is troubling these two, not even the mournfully slow over rate. Warne is not happy with Sanga's captaincy so far this morning ... if the great man's face could still express emotion, I imagine it would be a picture. Rather than a sculpture. "Afternoon Alan. I'm on a car journey from Torquay to Northampton, which is probably the most depressing thing I've ever done. Could you cheer me up by publishing a shameless plug for my Clarence Clemons obituary, after the sad news of The Big Man's passing?" If that's the most depressing thing you've ever done, Dan Lucas, you're a lucky man.
73rd over: England 280-5 (Bell 73, Morgan 20) "It's so nice not to hate Bell anymore. It was emotionally exhausting feeling all that bile rise up whenever he'd do whatever he used to do so badly which now is utterly forgotten because he is just divine. When you mentioned him giving a silky fine cut to third man I thought he had enough time after the shot to offer the opposition a cigarette. Classy." Ian Copestake brings his finely tuned pun generator to the party. Where have you been all my life morning?
74th over: England 283-5 (Bell 74, Morgan 22) This is listing a little at the moment, though I imagine the Rose Bowl crowd are just glad to see some cricket. We can amuse ourselves in other ways, eh, Ryan Dunne: "Surely Liz Hurley gets extra points for poshness? Just look at Samantha Cameron, whose official title should so be Queen of the MILFs. And, as for Liz v Patsy, surely Warney is far more sponge-worthy than Liam Gallagher or a fictional Mel Gibson?"
75th over: England 288-5 (Bell 77, Morgan 24) I said the game was listing, and now Mahela Jayawardene is on for an over before lunch. Bell and Morgan milk him, without disrespectfully attempting any fireworks. Perhaps that quickfire over was a sop to Ross Moulden: "This over rate is absolutely appalling (from Sri Lanka, not from you). The amount of time it takes when they change bowlers is ridiculous. Worth thinking about imposing the penalty runs suggestion that's been floating around for a while?" I'm trying my bes- oh, you said not me.
76th over: England 291-5 (Bell 78, Morgan 26) Herath trundles in for one last time, with Morgan and Bell, like the studs that they are, happy to exchange singles. Bell is effortlessly closing in on a 14th Test hundred – he's only been out for less than fifty twice in his last 12 innings. That's lunch, and here's the Lord (Selve, not Almighty): "I'll second Dan Lucas' obit of The Big Man. Years ago, not long after Darkness on the Edge of Town came out, a young Middlesex batsman called Keith Tomlins, a Springsteen devotee, took himself off to Asbury Park, and just turned up at the Springsteen office. He was in reception when Clarence appeared, hung around, chatted for a while, then clapped him hugely on the back and said 'Give this boy some tickets'."
So, we got a full morning's play at only the fourth time of asking. Rob Bagchi is going to guide you through the afternoon session – he'll be here in about 20 minutes. Apropos of the fact I'm moving flats next weekend and I've been going through my old CDs, I'll leave you with this to hum along to over lunch. Perhaps it will also go some way to explaining Ian Copestake's gag problem: "The OBO types are usually good judges of humour, so I wanted to ask if anyone else feels I have been hard done by following the poor reaction to my own attempt at humour at a conference in New Jersey. Someone reported that a black bear had been spotted in a neighbourhood (who knew the Sopranos wasn't in fact a documentary?) and had been arrested by the police. I suggested that the police would not have arrested it had been a white bear. I could hear pins being dropped all over the Garden State."
Not all of my forgotten musical discoveries were so pleasant, sadly. No manner of subsequently purchased E Street Band LPs can erase the errors of taste committed in youth. Perhaps you can reveal to Rob the most shameful album you've ever bought? Send that and all your other embarrassing confessions to rob.bagchi@guardian.co.uk. I'll let you know a couple of my more grubby mistakes when I'm back for the evening session ...
Afternoon all. We've got an early contender or pair of contenders from David Acaster for guilty secret albums: "Back in the early 70s I bought Master of Reality by Black Sabbath, however I assume most of us went through that sort of phase [OBOer note, not me. A big lad did it than ran away], so I'll move on." The worst album I ever owned was Tales From Topographic Oceans by Yes. No amount of beautiful sleeves and endless descriptions of its scope, vision, and musicianship could hide the fact that it was a pretentious heap of …". Well, quite. But tales of Wakeman and his mid-set vindaloos, capes and ice-skating epics were always entertaining. Couldn't pass comment on the music. I've never been there. Ian Truman is in confessional mode: "I'll end the music competition before it begins, an ex-girlfriend of mine bought me Abs from 5ive's debut solo album. The relationship ended soon after, which may or may not be a coincidence." Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. Here's an update from Jeff Chapman for veteran, hardcore, through the night OBOers: "On day three of the Adelaide Test last winter, in the 96th over with England 347-2, the OBO announced the engagement of my friends Dan and Liz while the Oompah Band played Bohemian Rhapsody in their front room. The story has a happy ending. Yesterday Dan the dashing groom and Liz the beautiful bride were married. The Best Man, Matt, read out the OBO engagement announcement as part of his speech. And the Oompah Band played Bohemian Rhapsody at the reception cheered on by the happy couple, their family and friends." And here's Matt Delargy with a heartwarming tale: "Proper Fathers' Day rite-of-passage stuff this morning as I took my son to his first cricket training. He was totally unsure and didn't want to play. Then the coach handed him a bat and he pinged one over the fielders. Switch went, now he's hooked, airshots all the way home. What a game this is. Club was packed with kids as well, which is great to see."
77th over: England 297-5 (Bell 78, Morgan 32) I must have wiped embarrassing albums from my memory banks. I can think of a couple I bought, listened to once, and never again – Easterhouse's Contenders and Revenge's One True Passion. Anyroad, back to the cricket and Morgan gets the scoreboard moving after lunch, rocking back to turn one through midwicket then squirts one through point for two off Perera, helped by some poor fielding. The Sky experts reckon England want a lead of 250. Fifty fewer would do, I think.
78th over: England 300-5 (Bell 81, Morgan 32) Bell milks Herath for two first ball. Clarence Clemons must rank as one of the most loved of all musicians, given your tributes. Here's Phil Smith: "I love this story, about when Clarence Clemens and Springsteen first met (copied and pasted from wikipedia): One night we were playing in Asbury Park. I'd heard The Bruce Springsteen Band was nearby at a club called The Student Prince and on a break between sets I walked over there. On-stage, Bruce used to tell different versions of this story but I'm a Baptist, remember, so this is the truth. A rainy, windy night it was, and when I opened the door the whole thing flew off its hinges and blew away down the street. The band were on-stage, but staring at me framed in the doorway. And maybe that did make Bruce a little nervous because I just said, "I want to play with your band," and he said, "Sure, you do anything you want."' Herath fought back by trying to pin Bell to his crease but he got another two away.
79th over: England 305-5 (Bell 85, Morgan 33) Perera continues, slinging them down outside off stump and Bell opens the face Hussain-style to drive through point for two more. William Symonds tries to Jonah Bell: "Could this be the innings when Bell (a very fine batsmen who surely no longer worries about such things) finally sheds the tag of never being the first batsman to score a century, except against Bangladesh?" Nothing could possibly go wrong now, William, though Perera just hurries him up on the drive do he gets through his on-drive too early and slices it back to the bowler but he farms the bowling off the last ball with a deft cut for a single
80th over: England 309-5 (Bell 87, Morgan 35) Lord Selve is in mischievous mode: "Re over 74, for the benefit of my wife and others who may not know, would you explain what a MILF is,please. She thinks it is a Member of an Institute of something or other." That piece was included by Alan Gardner, perhaps I'll leave it to him to elucidate in exact terms but I can exclusively reveal, in an image not condoned by the Guardian, that the young people use it to refer to a person of an older generation they'd like to become physically familiar with. Afternoon to Peter Lovell, who asks: "My son and I were wondering if he has just become the youngest person to carry out a caught and bowled in cricket. Noah Lovell is three years and 9 months old although strictly speaking it was caught and thrown!" It is, Peter, a record. Unless the community knows better
81st over: England 310-5 (Bell 87, Morgan 36) Sri Lanka take the new ball and lob it to Lakmal and he starts at about half ratpower, teasing Morgan outside off-stump with a couple of pitched up teasers. Strauss in his diary of the Ashes tour refers to England bowling "fourth or fifth stump" and Nasser Hussain has just used that very phrase and that's Lakmal's "good areas" for Morgan. The batsman takes a single from the fifth ball, the first of the over not too wide to have a safe dart at. Here's Tom van de Gucht with his musical confessions: "Although not an album, I do remember wasting an Ourprice gift certificate buying a selection of singles from the bargain basket in an attempt to increase the number of records I owned (at that point it consisted of two now albums and Bad by Michael Jackson) and therefore make me look cooler at school. Sadly coming home with Slam Jam by the WWF Superstars, All that She wants by Ace of Base and Sweat (a la la la la long) by Inner Circle surprisingly did little to enhance my coolness factor. Although by the early noughties, when retro irony was in fashion, the shoe was on the other foot and I briefly flirted with something that could almost be categorised as cool." Really? I must have missed that revisionist period.
82nd over: England 321-5 (Bell 95, Morgan 39) Welegedara on, round the wicket to Morgan. "You can tell I'm killing time before a declaration. Better if they are all out in my view to hurry the game along," writes Selve. "Anyway, the worst album I have ever owned, although not for long, was given to me for Christmas by an elderly aunt. It was called Banjo Partytime by The Big Ben Banjo Band. I'd asked her for Electric Ladyland." This is for you, Mike. Happy days?! Two corking cuts from Bell, one behind, one in front of point, take him to 95. They're bowling badly at him but he is in sparkling touch.
83rd over: England 323-5 (Bell 96, Morgan 40) More on the Boss's hornmeister, this from Gary Naylor: "As it's Fathers Day and we're saluting Clarence Clemons, I can recommend a triple CD live set from Brooooce and the E-Street Band which includes a version of The River starting with Bruce telling a five minute story about himself, the Vietnam draft and his father. Tear, well tears, in the eye every time I listen to it." Mr Barnsgrove himself disrupts the over by standing up while Lakmal runs in. His ground, his rules, I suppose. Bell bottom edges a catches himself, as Jim Laker used to say, "amidships" or "in the bread basket". It was actually his testicles, I think, but I didn't do much science at school so I could be wrong. In a story I might have told before I was put off the whole discipline by a Westcountry physics teacher who pointed to a table and said "what is it?" as I obviously hadn't been paying attention. When I answered "a table" he went berserk and clouted me with an Abbot textbook. Apparently it was "matter".
84th over: England 327-5 (Bell 97, Morgan 43) Another regular enters the confessional box: "The most recent rubbish album I bought was Ultimate Eurovision Party! 2008, because it contains Hard Rock Halleluja by Lordi and Severine's Un Banc, Un Abre, Une Rue. I've got a lot of this sort of thing, my excuse being that I'm one of those people who still do mixtapes (or their CD equivalent) especially for people reaching significant birthdays - 40th, 50th - or wedding anniversaries. They get all the UK number ones from me on the date, 1953 onwards. This is very sad, of course, but it creates its own tension as lots of stuff gets deleted pretty quickly, especially charity records." Play three decent tunes, John Starbuck, and we shall absolve you. Morgan's playing well when they bowl within a foot of off-stump. Actually he's playing well to leave the stuff outside off-stump." Here's Dave on the youthful Selve: "Selve's sending his elderly aunt to buy Electric Ladyland is a bit naughty. Have you seen the cover? Of course, the PC brigade have probably had that changed. It had pride of place in my LP collection. The most embarrassing LP was probably one by Faust, the name of which escapes me. I bought it because it was on see-though vinyl in a see-through sleeve. It sounded like how I imagine parrots being microwaved sounds."
85th over: England 333-5 (Bell 98, Morgan 48) Ed Packard has been taken with the Big Ben Banjo Band: "After an initially cautious first listen, I'm going to leave the Big Ben Banjo Band on loop whenever I read the OBO from now on, for it seems to provide a somewhat apt accompaniment for the zany antics of Smyth, Bull, McCourt (he will surely return?) et al." How could he not return after that sparkling debut. It was like watching Ally Brown's first ODI. And here's Chris Taylor on the vexed enthusiasm for science issue: "When I was 14, my physics teacher went to town on a piece of my homework, writing two pages of exercise book paper in red pen, telling me all about myself. He finished up by adding "It's about time you owned up to your parents about what sort of a boy you really are." He also told me I couldn't do practical work, and I couldn't do theory work, so I should just go and work in a shop. My love of science disappeared after that." Speaking of the Abbott textbook, someone in the year above ate his in an act of defiance, ridiculous bet etc. Morgan plays the shot of the over, pivoting on to his back foot in a flash and pulling four behind square.
86th over: England 338-5 (Bell 99, Morgan 52) Bell takes a single off the first ball to move on to 99. A light goes on above Selve's head: "Christ, do you think she might have put Electric Ladyland inside the Banjo Party Time cover? I never looked." Imagine if she did and a banjo aficionado picked up your discarded copy. Morgan crashes the ball through the covers to reach his half century, then stands up to clip a shot past point to keep the strike. More CC from Seth Levine: "In memoriam of Clarence Clemons, a wee anecdote. I had the pleasure of seeing him share a stage with Pee Wee Ellis. It was an electric night and, at the end, after more than one glass of confidence-facilitator, I bumped into CC and felt compelled to tell him that I love what he does (did). He replied, without missing a beat, 'and I love what you do'. On this sad occasion, I draw personal solace from how much Clarence must have admired lawyers." What a chap!
87th over: England 340-5 (Bell 100, Morgan 54) Morgan's very good at keeping the scoreboard moving with a clipped shot through the offside from balls that are fractionally short of a length. He puts Bell back on strike and he moves to his century by getting over an off-side long hop and pulling it through midwicket for a single. That's his 14th Test century. He takes off his helmet and raises it in one hand, his bat in the other, to salute the dressing room. Michael Slater started that particular mode of celebration, I think. Matthew Cobb's been on: "Dave's transparent album by Faust was called ... Faust. He's quite wrong about the sound though – I have it on CD (not transparent, sadly) and it is still listenable to today. Just like Electric Ladyland and the Big Ben Banjo Band. You can't get it on iTunes, but you can get their latest, 'Something Dirty', plus what appears to be their whole back catalogue. And not a microwaved parrot anywhere." That would be a brilliant recommendation quote to put on the CD "not a microwaved parrot anywhere".
88th over: England 346-5 (Bell 101, Morgan 58) "Imagine the banjo aficionado then turning up at a Big Ben Banjo Band gig expecting to hear Voodoo Chile and probably being disappointed". Here's the Lulu show just for you, Selve. Justin Horton reckons Easterhouse deserves another spin: "I reckon Contenders is a rather better album than your sole listen allows for (though it's not exactly the St Matthew Passion). It's more than a bit ranty, though, Easterhouse not being the first people to think that a good lyric was one that they hoped their audience would agree with politically. Rarely is this true." Too true, Justin. Sadly I gave it away in 1988. Perera back into the attack and overpitches, wide and at smackable pace. Morgan obliges, whacking it through cover for four.
And it pitched outside leg so Morgan stays.
89th over: England 354-5 (Bell 106, Morgan 61) Sky's Benedict has just put up a stat showing all England's top seven now have a Test average above 40. The ball's gone out of shape so on comes the Ghost himself, Neil Mallender, with a box of balls forever bringing memories with him of Headingley 1992. Lakmal is trying to make Bell reach out to drive and he does get him to toe one that would have gone for four if it had been closer. the next ball bell goes over the top, following through with a full swish but again he misconnects and it drops short of the boundary. They take three. James Sparling writes on Chicago 17: "Waiting for a plane back to Chicago from NOLA (as I've now learnt to call New Orleans) couldn't help but mention the erstwhile Chicago residents. Possibly all the brass from the various haunts on Frenchman St has addled my shot selection process but I'm certain one Peter (ex)cetera fronted album should lurk in one's guilty secret drawer - although the precise number might be correct plus or minus three or so." Morgan is rapped on the pad, it looked as though it was hitting leg and middle and he is given out by Rod Tucker. England refer it and it pitched marginally outside leg. Morgan takes three off the last ball. That's drinks.
90th over: England 365-5 (Bell 114, Morgan 64) Angus Doulton may be new to these parts: "Do you think the tests against India are going to be so pedestrian that we all have to resort to this awful drivel around albums by musicians I've never heard of. Why don't we discuss something interesting - like what do we all think of the music Beethoven wrote for Scottish poetry?" Charles Grodin's St Bernard wrote music? They've got a shift on since drinks, Morgan sashaying down the wicket and Bell throwing his bat, slogging really but is through one shot off Perera too early and spoons it wide of mid off for two then takes three with a much better shot through midwicket. This isn't pedestrian, Angus. One-sided maybe, bit not pedestrian. Morgan finishes the over by spanking a four through the offisde. Eleven off the over.
WICKET!! Morgan c P Jayawardene b Lakmal 71 Tryiing to up the pace, he charges down the wicket, Lakmal perhaps sees him coming and aims wider of off stump. Morgan has a swing and it catches the bottom edge and goes through to the keeper.
91st over: England 373-6 (Bell 116, Prior 0) Er, sorry, Morgan can't have hit that last ball for four as he's on strike and belts the first ball of the over for four and pierces the offisde field for two next ball. Rory Alexander writes: "Did anyone catch Jimmy Anderson's rant about the DRS today in the Daily Mail? With Fleet Street adopting the attitude that India's refusal to sanction DRS for their series is because they are scared of Swann, a little perspective from Anderson shows why there could actually be sound logic behind their refusal." Here it is. More uses for Vaseline … Prior comes in at the fall of Morgan and gets a decent delivery first up, good length outside off stump, inviting the drive and Prior flashes at it but misses.
WICKET!! Prior c M Jayawaedene b Perera 0 Short of a length and wide from Perera. Prior rocks back and cuts, top edges, and snicks it to Mahela Jayawardene at wide third slip.
92nd over: England 374-7 (Bell 116, Broad 0) When Prior got out he jokingly waved his bat at the window. Nice touch. Perera's found some vim, bouncing Broad first ball. Dan Lucas says: "I did once have Hatful of Rain: The Best of Del Amitri. And I had the best of The Spin Doctors. I am now a part-time music journalist. I feel like a massive fraud." Will Barter sticks to cricket: "Remember when everyone said Ian Bell would never score the first hundred in an innings - another batsman had to get a century first to do well. Well, his performances over the past two years have put that ghost - and many others - to rest." And so say all of us, the never wavering OBO IRB fan club. Perera finished with a pair of short of a length ball. Broad makes them want to pepper him.
WICKET!! Broad c sub (Randiv) b Lakmal 0 They've bounced him out, giving him nothing in his half during his innings and he has a hoick at one and is caught at midwicket.
1st over: Sri Lanka 1 for 0 (Paranavitane 0, Thirimanne 0; Sri Lanka are 193 behind) Public service announcement via the OBO from Jack and Mick Smith in St Louis: "Today is Fathers Day. Our dad Robin is watching the over-by-over today, and we wonder if you would let him know that we wish him a happy Fathers Day. We'd do it ourselves, but, like we said, he's busy watching the over-by-over on this computer." Happy to oblige. Right, Jimmy Anderson opens the bowling, at about 84mph. There'll be 51 overs in total for this innings today if it doesn't rain. Anderson's third ball swings beautifully past Paranavitane but his fourth is pushed way wide, looking for inswing and is called wide when it fails to come back in. Back on the money with his fourth legitimate ball, snaking back in at Paranavitane who leaves it then nibbles at the next which holds its line but misses it by an inch.
2nd over: Sri Lanka 6 for 0 (Paranavitana 4, Thirimanne 0; Sri Lanka are 193 behind) Tremlett gets the new ball and stops the Sky and TMS boxes from exploding with apoplexy had Broad been given it. Two slips, two gullies and a short leg. the first is his usual length, rearing up at Thirimanne outside off but he plays it well, getting up to ride it down. Leg-bye off the second leg stump pitched up delivery. Dan Lucas writes: "Problem with Broad in a four-man attack is that the batsmen can see off Anderson and Tremlett at one end and relax against the short, faux macho rubbish from Broad at the other." I don't think it's faux macho, just that he takes wickets in hot streaks during series but isn't consistent throughout it. Paranavitana gets up and plays one down to Bell at short-leg. The fielder sharply lobs it to take off the bails but the batsman didn't leave the crease. And Paranavitana creams the last wide delivery for four through the offside. Nice shot.
3rd over: Sri Lanka 10 for 0 (Paranavitana 5, Thirimanne 3; Sri Lanka are 193 behind) Thirimanne gets off the mark after hesitating over an easy single then his partner clips one to long leg for another single. Anderson's begun to find his groove outside off, teasing away at the lefthanders' patience until he spears one on to leg stump and Thirimanne tucks it away for two.
4th over: Sri Lanka 14 for 0 (Paranavitana 9, Thirimanne 3; Sri Lanka are 193 behind) Stuart Wilson steps up to the plate: "I was never one of the cooler kids at school but I boosted my street cred when I purchased Informer by Snow. Given I was the first person to buy it I was popular for a few days while everyone wanted to copy it, even some girls spoke to me. Clearly this purchase is now looked on with mirth by my old school mates, who have conveniently lost their pirate copy." Tremlett raps Paranavitana's bottom hand and the ball loops up towards the bowler, not close enough to pouch it. Next up is a jaffa oustide off that almost tears the batsman in two and then Paranavitana gets a four off his glove down to fine, fine, fine leg. Not really a chance for Prior who made the dive for it but it would have been a sensational catch if he'd got there. Good pace throughout, 85mph plus, but his line is a little wayward so far.
5th over: Sri Lanka 14 for 0 (Paranavitana 9, Thirimanne 3; Sri Lanka are 193 behind) Anderson is coming round the wicket, early for him. He spears the first one across the batsman and down the legside but then reverts to a "fifth-stump" line for the rest of the over, until the last which is eighth stump and unreachable. Shane Warne is quizzing Mikey Holding about Joel Gardner. Ray Illingworth, when he took over from Jim Laker, used to call him Joe Gardner.
6th over: Sri Lanka 14 for 0 (Paranavitana 9, Thirimanne 3; Sri Lanka are 193 behind) England appeal for a catch behind that Aleem Dar immediately turns down, aptly because it hit Paranavitana's sleeve. Three good deliveries, menacing stuff, short and veering away after they pitch. Here's Seth Levine on SCB: "May I throw in my tuppence worth in respect of Broad? For me, the real concern is not that he's going through a barren spell. It's that the cause has been so comprehensively analysed and documented (bowling too short), that its continuance speaks of wilful defiance on his part. There's an element of the pupil that the teachers see promise in, despite his rebellious nature, and try to bring into the fold by making him a prefect (or captain of the 20-20 side)." The last ball hits Paranavitana on the hip and goes through to leg slip who drops it anyway. And that's tea. Thanks for all your contributions this afternoon. It's back to Alan Gardner who is going to illuminate you on the black sheep in his record collection … or writing about Beethoven and Scots poets if you prefer. Bye!
Afternoon. Play will begin in about 10 minutes, with 45 scheduled overs left in the day. To divert you for eight minutes and 23 seconds of the interregnum, here's the latest episode of the Two Chucks, featuring the interview that nobody else wanted could get, with crime fighters/Rose Bowl pitch invaders Batman and Robin.
7th over: Sri Lanka 17-0 (Paranavitana 9, Thirimanne 6; Sri Lanka are 176 behind) Four words: Sisqo, Unleash the Dragon. There, I've said it. Don't judge me. What am I saying, of course you're going to judge me ... Just don't hate me. Anyway, the players are back out: this should be a lively little session. Anderson's first delivery zips a inch or two over the top of off-peg, drawing "oohs!" from his team-mates. That's what they call a good leave from Thirimanne. A couple of deliveries later, the left-hander essays a wild and woolly slash, completely missing the cherry. Not so edifying. He then gets three for a push into the covers. On the subject of Stuart Broad, and in particular Seth Levine's point (8th over), here's a quote from David Saker a couple of days ago: "We want him to be the enforcer in our team," he said. "When Stuart bowls bouncers you can tell there is vengeance and a lot of aggression in it. There is no better bowler in the world at bowling bouncers than Stuart Broad." So it's hardly an act of insurrection on Broad's part. Though whether anyone who's ever posed like this could really be considered an enforcer is probably open to debate.
8th over: Sri Lanka 17-0 (Paranavitana 9, Thirimanne 6; Sri Lanka are 179 behind) Thirimanne stuck around leaving dutifully for about 45 minutes on day one before finally being tempted and he's going to be in for a torrid time this evening, I'd say, as Tremlett pounds in to thunder the ball across his bows. This is an excellent line from Tremlett - sometimes he strays down leg to the left-handers. Jehosaphat! Those Garner comparisons from the other day aren't looking so fanciful, Tremlett getting the ball to spit like bacon dropped into a hot frying pan, nearly skinning Thirimanne's nose on the way through. That's a terrifying maiden.
9th over: Sri Lanka 17-0 (Paranavitana 9, Thirimanne 6; Sri Lanka are 179 behind) Anderson switches back to bowling over the wicket to Paranavitana, who is ably plonking his front foot down the wicket and raising his bat above his head whenever he's not forced to play. Anyway, here's a man who needs no introduction (it's Mac Millings): "Just writing in to thank the OBO community for all their fine suggestions yesterday for wedding speech one-liners, and especially Stuart Wilson for his 'Fornication/For an occasion' gag, which I used as my opening gambit. It went down like, well, like I was fornicating at a wedding reception - hugely inappropriate, but it got everyone's attention. Other typical reactions to my fornication: I got a a lot of laughs, and afterwards all the women came over to tell me what I'd been doing wrong." I've heard that one done before. Did you do it with a stutter? That's the key, I think.
10th over: Sri Lanka 25-0 (Paranavitana 10, Thirimanne 13; Sri Lanka are 168 behind) Runs for Thirimanne, first with a clip off his legs for four as Tremlett loses that Line of Beauty, and then a miss-hit on drive that for a moment looked as if it might swirl the way of short leg or midwicket. That was an optical illusion/my dodgy eyesight, however. Anyone fancy this to be all over by the end of the day? In some sense it probably will be, as the Rose Bowl might be more suited to goldfish tomorrow. From the evidence so far, Sri Lanka should make it to the close ...
11th over: Sri Lanka 25-0 (Paranavitana 10, Thirimanne 13; Sri Lanka are 168 behind) "I did the line with perfect timing, which was odd, because usually when it comes to fornication, I skip to the end a little too quickly," boom-tishs Mac Millings. I'm getting married next year and am obviously already thinking about the speech. Though, as I understand it, it's my job to be polite while the best man turns proceedings blue? Anyway, back at the cricket, Paranavitana continues to monk-ish in his self-denial. Now, the umpires are discussing the light and sure enough, they ask for the floodlights to be switched on. That should mean they'll all be trudging off in about 15 minutes, then.
12th over: Sri Lanka 25-0 (Paranavitana 10, Thirimanne 13; Sri Lanka are 168 behind) DROPPED! That's something you don't see too often: Ian Bell grassing one. Tremlett jammed a the ball into the splice of Thirimanne's bat and it looped off, perhaps taking Bell a little by surprise, and he couldn't quite wrap the fingers of his left hand around the ball as it came to him. He almost managed to grasp it with his armpit on the way down, mind you. Still, tough chance as that was and excellent as Bell's reactions were, it's a drop.
WICKET! Paranavitana 10 c Swann b Anderson (Sri Lanka 25-1, trail by 168) Having stoically left pretty much everything Anderson had angled across him, Paranavitana's stay is ended by a very familiar type of dismissal. Anderson shaped the ball just a touch away from him, having pitched the delivery outside leg, and the opener could only send it flying off the shoulder of the bat low to Swann at second slip. That was a top catch, as well, plucked from just above the greensward.
13th over: Sri Lanka 29-1 (Thirimanne 13, Sangakkara 4; Sri Lanka are 164 behind) Kumar Sangakkara prowls to the crease and gets off the mark with a firm push off his legs. Just roll those six syllables around your tongue – Ku-mar San-ga-kka-ra. Sri Lankan cricketers have the most pleasing names to say. Don't look at me like that. Here's an observation from this morning's hero and fascinated new cricket aficionado, Ian McCourt: "Things I love about cricket No1: signing autographs while the game is in session."
14th over: Sri Lanka 33-1 (Thirimanne 17, Sangakkara 4; Sri Lanka are 160 behind) A classy straight drive from Thirimanne brings four runs off Tremlett. And it looks like I'm going to get the complete OBO Crash Course in How to Organise a Successful Wedding. "It's not actually compulsory to have a best man's speech if you don't want to," says Justin Horton. "I got married two years ago, and didn't have one. As I'm sure everybody will tell you, the important thing is to do it the way you and the bride want to: you don't have to meet anybody else's expectations but yours." Surely you mean hers?
15th over: Sri Lanka 36-1 (Thirimanne 17, Sangakkara 7; Sri Lanka are 157 behind) Sanga gets a couple with a flick down to fine leg, where Tremlett prevents a boundary. A thickish edge from Sanga then falls short of the fielder in the gully and the captain gets a single. The clouds are glowering ominously in skies over Southampton. Here's John Starbuck: "All you have to do is thank your new wife for consenting, and both sets of parents (if present) for providing the occasion. With a thanks also to everyone attending, that's it. Forget any stuff about arranging the wedding as your wife should do this, assuming she gets a speech - some don't want to. The best man and the bride's father can do everything else, as most people will be wanting to get to the bar by then. Does anyone do telegrams/emails/tweets these days?"
16th over: Sri Lanka 41-1 (Thirimanne 21, Sangakkara 8; Sri Lanka are 152 behind) Matt Prior takes an acrobatic catch after another brutish Tremlett lifter. He looked like he was undertaking some gymnastic, Glee-style routine, perhaps to the accompaniment of a lively show tune. From the last ball of the over, Thirimanne's spirited innings moves on to 21, with an authoritative punch for four through the offside. Thomas Hopkins, meanwhile, wants to know how Millings does it: "Having already established that Mac Millings is married with multiple offspring, it now turns out that he's been selected for best man duties. By my calculations, that means at least four people think he's fairly tolerable all things considered. That makes him one of of life's Winners, accordingly I look on him with a mixture of admiration and suspicion."
17th over: Sri Lanka 41-1 (Thirimanne 21, Sangakkara 8; Sri Lanka are 152 behind) Sangakkara isn't interested in going after anything Anderson sends down. He merely makes like a tree and [snip! Bad Jokes Ed] ... "When Millings said 'afterwards all the women came over to tell me what I'd been doing wrong', was that about the speech or his life in general? Only I could do with some tips. The mere fact that I'm asking Millings for life tips shows you how disastrously wrong my life has gone." I think he meant the Bedroom Dance, Phil Sawyer. Would you like me to put you direct touch? And here's Mac's guru, Stuart Wilson: "You can tell Mr Millings that it was a pleasure to help out an OBO legend. Maybe next I can help Naylor with a witty greeting in a birthday card (for instance 'sorry I forgot your birthday, I should be damn well hung. Mind you....'). I may well struggle with humorous messages of condolence for the death of a loved one though."
18th over: Sri Lanka 43-1 (Thirimanne 21, Sangakkara 9; Sri Lanka are 150 behind) Time for a change (no, I'm not going anywhere). Broad is chucked the cherry and told to enforce away; his first ball is short and wide-ish, with Thirimanne trying to dismiss the new bowler straight away. His swings results in a miss, however. Both batsmen are quick to get in line, not unduly troubled by Broad's hustle and flow. Adam Levine has mistaken me for someone who ever plans to see the world: "Whilst I am personally delighted to see you give Seth Levine (no relation, honest) the journalistic equivalent of a bitch-slap in the 7th over, I should probably warn you that you may henceforth want to be a bit careful and above all make sure you don't end up in prison in Nairobi. Aforementioned bitch-slappee might end up being your lawyer."
19th over: Sri Lanka 43-1 (Thirimanne 21, Sangakkara 9; Sri Lanka are 150 behind) The sun has now come out, or at least is peeking ever-so-slightly around the clouds, prompting Strauss to turn to his Golden Fowl, Graeme Swann. For all he tosses it up, however, Sangakkara refuses to bite, dutifully blocking out a maiden. This track has lost whatever juice it had, I fear. "Just to add to the confusion of tips coming your way, Alan, I didn't have a best man's speech and my wife and I organised the day exactly how we wanted it. Our divorce was finalised two years ago. Take wedding tips from me at your peril," I'll file that under ignore along with every other bit of 'advice' I've ever had on here, thanks Phil Sawyer. And here's Ant Pease, who perhaps needs more friends like Mac Millings: "I'm currently on my way back from a stag weekend in Bristol and am willing to offer this handy advice to anyone who cares for it; whether you're arranging a stag or a wedding, for pity's sake, don't do it in Bristol." At the Rose Bowl, it's time for an electrolyte top-up.
20th over: Sri Lanka 47-1 (Thirimanne 21, Sangakkara 9; Sri Lanka are 146 behind) Broad continues, attacking the body of Thrimanne. The other thing about Broad, generally, is his good economy, which the England team obviously place great importance on – hence Steve Finn's omission, despite his wicket-taking. Have said that, a short ball takes off at a terrific speed and hastens above Prior's outstretched glove to the boundary. "Please don't let Ian McCourt get too familiar with the rules of cricket," pleads John. "Lock him in a cupboard somewhere (with a selection of DVDs as a reward for his wonderful O-B-Oing this morning) and leave him there until the next India-Pakistan World Cup semi-final. Then unleash him. I'd love to read some of the emails you'd get." Now, that's an idea. I'm sure Ian would be willing to forego the next four years of his life, or possibly a lot more, to be a part of that joke.
21st over: Sri Lanka 47-1 (Thirimanne 21, Sangakkara 9; Sri Lanka are 146 behind) Swann breezes through another maiden, nearly foxing Sangakkara at one point with an expertly flighted delivery that lured the batsman out of his crease. "Could Thomas Hopkins (16th over) share his calculations with us?" demands James Womack. "If Mac Millings is married with multiple offspring and is now being asked to be someone's best man, that means that one person (his wife) on more than one occasion (multiple offspring) and one other person more generally (the groom) think he's fairly tolerable. In this environment of self-loathing it's a bit of an ask to assume that he finds himself tolerable, but even making that leap of faith, that's still only two people and his wife occasionally who necessarily rate MM. Better than me, but hardly cause for idolatry."
22nd over: Sri Lanka 52-1 (Thirimanne 26, Sangakkara 9; Sri Lanka are 141 behind) Never mind about Broad taking wickets – if he forces someone to retire hurt that practically the same thing, right? After being top-edged for four over the gully region by Thirimanne, Broad fires one into his body, the ball rearing and cannoning into the Sri Lankan's chest. Thirimanne wears it but that was a fearsome blow and he calls for treatment after one more delivery. Kudos, though, because he's going to bat on. Now Broad needs to bowl a touch fuller, having scared the batsman right back into his crease. "Thanks for using Millings and The Bedroom Dance in the same breath, Alan," says Phil Sawyer generously. "I'm already in touch in Millings. Now I'm going to be terrified next time I see his name in my inbox. Must update my firewall. Also, must trepan myself to try and get rid of the horrific imaginings you've painted." Or you could think about it so much that it actually becomes bearable, if emotionally numbing?
23rd over: Sri Lanka 52-1 (Thirimanne 26, Sangakkara 9; Sri Lanka are 141 behind) Swann throws in the arm ball but Thirimanne, despite his previous over discombobulation, picks it. That's three overs without conceding a run – tight as Scrooge McDuck's butt. Rick Morcom has looked at the box marked "Danger! Do Not Open" and gleefully grabbed a crowbar: "Thanks for all the advice about groom and best man speeches. My daughter is getting married soon and as a continentally-removed father I'm terrified of the speech I'll have to make. Especially as I'm unlikely to be able say much without blubbing and choking. Any wise OBO advice?" I think the words "wise" and "OBO" are actively resisting each other in that sentence, like magnets.
24th over: Sri Lanka 54-1 (Thirimanne 27, Sangakkara 10; Sri Lanka are 139 behind) Broad is bowling with good rhythm now and, as Nasser Hussain says on the commentary, mixing it up well. He gets a hint of inswing against Thirimanne but the batsman squeezes it out into the legside. "Long shot this but is Adam Levine (from the 18th over) a former African Prisons Project employee? I used to work there and the Nairobi prison reference got me wondering ... I know this isn't cricket related or particularly interesting but, you know, it would be an addition to the tradition of OBO bringing people together." Ha! As if there was a requirement to be cricket-related or interesting here?!
25th over: Sri Lanka 55-1 (Thirimanne 28, Sangakkara 10; Sri Lanka are 138 behind) Sri Lanka score their first run against Swann, from his 23rd delivery. Boy, I'm looking forward to two more hours of this! "Getting married is a bit like getting into a hot bath; once you get used to it, it's not that hot." Simon McMahon doesn't think we exhausted the wedding one-liners theme yesterday. And here's a contrite Thomas Hopkins: "James Womack's query is valid, I was including at least two offspring in the calculation (plus wife, plus newly married groom - congratulations there by the way - to make four). I did make an assumption there though and should have stated it."
26th over: Sri Lanka 58-1 (Thirimanne 29, Sangakkara 12; Sri Lanka are 135 behind) This pair are battling away heroically, slowly reducing the arrears and eating up time. In fact, play can only continue until 7pm, so not as long for me Sri Lanka to hold out. David Hopkins has been on to defend/mock his brother: "Re. Thomas Hopkins's calculations, I would imagine that, it being Father's Day, he was generously assuming that Millings' offspring also rate him, or at least are too young to have made their mind up yet. On an unrelated point, could I also thank Thomas Hopkins for having grown his hair long and curly, which means I now know what would happen if a geneticist spliced together myself and Richard Hammond.
27th over: Sri Lanka 59-1 (Thirimanne 30, Sangakkara 12; Sri Lanka are 134 behind) Swann gets one to rip out of the rough to Sangakkara, the ball turning a good few inches past the edges of the bat. Encouraging. The offspinner is really bowling suffocating stuff, forcing Sangakkara in particular, who has faced the majority of his deliveries, to focus like nobody's business.
28th over: Sri Lanka 59-1 (Thirimanne 30, Sangakkara 12; Sri Lanka are 134 behind) Broad continues; Thirimanne doesn't fancy it much; net result; not much to report. "Having just shot a McIlroy like 108, I was hoping to come in and see England hammering home their advantage," hollers a hopeful Rob Tyson. "Unfortunately, the first thing I see is Broad looking confused as to which arm to bowl with. Surely he's history for the India tests?" My eyebrow would arch slightly higher than Carlo Ancelotti's if he didn't start the first Test, at the very least.
29th over: Sri Lanka 63-1 (Thirimanne 30, Sangakkara 16; Sri Lanka are 130 behind) A lesser-spotted boundary! Sangakkara whacks a loose ball from Swann through the offside. Weddings? Everyone's doing them! Here's Elizabeth O'Connor: "Speaking of weddings, I'm going to be maid of honour at my best friend's wedding next year. She has told me in no uncertain terms that one of my main priorities is to vet the best man's speech, any tips on how to actually do this? You know without presenting him with a list of unacceptable topics and incidents he's not allowed to mention if he wants to keep his balls (her words not mine)." Er, good luck with that mission.
30th over: Sri Lanka 68-1 (Thirimanne 31, Sangakkara 20; Sri Lanka are 125 behind) Broad is now going around the wicket (in fact he may have been for a couple of overs). Plenty of puff but not much in the way of devil for the batsmen to worry about. He could do with a run of first-class cricket with Notts, I reckon, to get back into the habit of taking wickets. Not that he'll get it, of course, as we're in the middle of silly Twenty20 season. Sangakkara eases into an exquisite off-drive – he's beginning to build a score now.
31st over: Sri Lanka 71-1 (Thirimanne 34, Sangakkara 20; Sri Lanka are 122 behind) Again there's some extravagant turn for Swann but it's too good to even get a snick. "I've actually been lucky enough to be best man three times in my life, which possibly says more about the standard of the rest of my friends' friends than my obvious skills in speechwriting and organisation (and no, I don't know Mac Millings)," begins Guy Hornsby, self-deprecatingly. "I did use the 'fornication' line first time round, but suffice to say it didn't go down as universally well as I'd planned. My finest wedding moment however, was DJing at a friend's bash a few years back and cueing up the first record, I announced drunkenly on the mic 'please clear the floor for the happy couple's first dance. This is the The Prodigy with Smack My Bitch Up'. Cue a few gasps and an uncomfortable silence before I (reluctantly) stuck Beautiful by Christina Aguilera on. I still wish I'd actually put the Prodigy on, to be honest, but it doesn't really say 'everylasting love'." Tsk, you mean you can't even make jokes about domestic violence these days?
32nd over: Sri Lanka 71-1 (Thirimanne 34, Sangakkara 20; Sri Lanka are 122 behind) Broad's not bowling badly, keeping Thirimanne vigilant with his line of attack from around the wicket, spearing the ball into the left-hander. The pitch, however, isn't offering much in the way of assistance. Maiden! Anyone got any more skeletons in the musical closet we can laugh at? "Why do I have to watch Midsummer Murders, when I want to watch the cricket? I refuse to pay money into Murdoch's corrupt empire," tub-thumps Nigel Phillips. "The BBC takes £3.6bn a year; surely they can buy up the cricket." You should send Mark Thomson a letter to that effect – I can't imagine why he hasn't had the idea already.
33rd over: Sri Lanka 74-1 (Thirimanne 35, Sangakkara 22; Sri Lanka are 119 behind) Swann's arm ball catches Thirimanne's inside edge but only stay airborne momentarily before plopping on to the wicket. John Terry Stuart Wilson has emailed with some more nuptials-related advice: "I feel I am getting on to a roll with this. Having been party to the father of the bride snivelling, blubbing and squeaking his way through a speech at a recent wedding, the best advice that I can offer Rick Morcom is to Man Up. It was very embarrassing for us real men in the crowd to witness such displays of emotion and love and we would far rather have indifference and a few barbed comments about how expensive the whole event has been."
34th over: Sri Lanka 77-1 (Thirimanne 35, Sangakkara 25; Sri Lanka are 116 behind) Chris Tremlett limbers up and rumbles in, his fourth ball dispatched through the covers for four ... or not, as Eoin Morgan reins it in, with just three runs added to the total. Bernard Hughes is obviously a Braintree native: "Guy Hornsby jokes about using the Prodigy for a wedding first dance. Well, my wife and I performed 'Firestarter' in lieu of a first dance, with jazz band accompaniment. I did most of the words and she did the 'hey hey heys'. True story."
35th over: Sri Lanka 79-1 (Thirimanne 36, Sangakkara 26; Sri Lanka are 114 behind) Swann has now bowled 9-3-14-0. This is proper old-skool Test stuff. "Surely any kind of ban-list ultimatum would be a red rag to any best man worth his salt," writes Tom Wells. "I'd trade some juicy gossip on the bride/groom (girls always share more) in return for his compliance with the banned subjects and hope he has honour." And here's the brazen Sophie Miller: "DJing at my best friend's wedding, I brazenly played 'Fuck the Pain Away' by Peaches as the first tune. Made a lot of sense to most everyone there." I can imagine the grandparents in particular could empathise.
36th over: Sri Lanka 80-1 (Thirimanne 37, Sangakkara 26; Sri Lanka are 113 behind) Yowch! Tremlett bops Sangakkara on the arm with another bumper. This pair have gritted their teeth and got on with the job admirably this evening. "Been away for a hours seeing Green Lantern, and am just catching up," writes Ryan Dunne. "Surely in today's day and age it's possible to claim one was playing Smack My Bitch Up ironically? Dre's Bitches Ain't Sh*t would also be good for this (the Ben Folds cover version crossing from 'ironic' into the wild ugly shores of overtrendy wankerdom). I know of an over-refreshed groom requesting this on his Wedding Day. Hopefully he didn't also do the dance, or even this one."
37th over: Sri Lanka 82-1 (Thirimanne 38, Sangakkara 27; Sri Lanka are 111 behind) Nothing doing. Don't even think about England taking a wicket. "The first live gig I went to was to see a guitar-driven pop outfit that first came to the public's attention with their heart-rending ode to parental mortality and the powerful nature of regret. You may know them better as Mike & The Mechanics. 'Shame' doesn't even begin to cover things, really ..." Are you referring to this, perchance Nick Pettigrew?
WICKET! Thirimanne 38 c Strauss b Tremlett (38th over: Sri Lanka 86-2, trail by 107) Like I said, don't even think about it. Tremlett has been plugging away on the line that brought him so much success in the first innings, close enough to off-stump to make the man play and finally Thirimanne succumbs, the ball arcing away and into the hands of England's grateful captain, crouching low to the ground. Tails up, everyone!
39th over: Sri Lanka 90-2 (Sangakkara 30; Jayawardene 0) Sri Lanka are 103 behind) Hmmm, not sure about this plan: Kevin Pietersen has come on to roll his arm over. His first ball disappears down the legside for four byes ... like I say, not sure about this one. "My mother recently decided it was time to clear out my old vinyl that had been stuck in my parents attic for the last twenty years and return it to me," says Phil Sawyer. "Unfortunately, she seems to have decided that all vinyl in the house was now my concern. I'm therefore now the unhappy owner of, amongst others, Jump! The Best Of The Pointer Sisters and More Hits By Cliff. And I definitely don't remembering ordering the Meatloaf."
40th over: Sri Lanka 90-2 (Sangakkara 30; Jayawardene 0) Sri Lanka are 103 behind) Hello! Tremlett gets one to nip back into Jayawardene, perhaps via a touch of reverse. He then crunches Jayawardene's digits with another snorter. Man, this guy is something else ... Replays of the wicket, meanwhile, show how he pitched that delivery up just enough, not only to entice Thirimanne, but to make sure it connected with the blade.
Anyway, here's proof that everyone on the OBO knows everyone else, from Rob Tyson: "Re: Stuart Wilson 'manning up' at weddings, I seem to remember him shaking like a leaf at his own wedding. Perhaps he was just nervous that I wouldn't show up?!"
41st over: Sri Lanka 95-2 (Sangakkara 31; Jayawardene 4) Sri Lanka are 98 behind) A couple of scares in that Pietersen over, as first a lofted drive flies wide of the fielder at cover on its way for four and then he drifts one across Jayawardene, beating the forward defensive. I could do with an injection of hot caffeine, I can tell you. "When best man at my brother's wedding, I kept things old school by opening with 'Mum has asked me not to say 'bollocks'.' Got a healthy titter. Except, of course, from Mum." Definitely a hint of schoolboy about that stunt, Ant Pease. "Anecdotally, there's the story floating around my friends in Melbourne of a bride asking for U2's 'Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For' at her wedding," arfs Adrian Boey. Ugh, that's a terrible choice. I mean, U2...
42nd over: Sri Lanka 96-2 (Sangakkara 32; Jayawardene 4) Sri Lanka are 97 behind) One off the over from Tremlett. Gee whiz, I thought this evening was going to be exciting. I think you lot need to take a long hard look at yourselves.
43rd over: Sri Lanka 99-2 (Sangakkara 34; Jayawardene 5) Sri Lanka are 94 behind) Do England really think they are going to take eight Sri Lanka wickets with Pietersen purveying his pies from one end? No, no, no, Swann should still be on. "Re: embarrassing albums," giggles Ryan Dunne. "My parents thought George Michael's Faith was too naughty (fair dos, I was 8 at the time) , meaning that the first album I can recall owning was the soundtrack to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Embarrassment aside,you don't get number ones like this these days." Favourite comedy No1? The Blobby Song, for me.
44th over: Sri Lanka 104-2 (Sangakkara 38; Jayawardene 6) Sri Lanka are 89 behind) Broad comes back on and swings one past Jayawardene's outside edge. Otherwise, it's nip and tuck. "Buoyed by your kind printing of my best man-handling advice, I feel emboldened to ask a cricketing question," pipes Tom Wells, who doesn't know how misguided that impulse was. "Is declaring after Broad, but before Swann a sign the England management feel Broad needs some runs, or simply them feeling he's the better batsman? Yes, he bats higher than Swann but currently has the worse average ..." I'm not sure there was anything so premeditated behind the plan, Tom. Prior and Broad both failed having been given licence to swish, and I think Strauss had probably seen enough.
45th over: Sri Lanka 110-2 (Sangakkara 44; Jayawardene 6) Sri Lanka are 83 behind) Anderson is on, with Sangakkara turning him for four through the legside. "'I think you lot need to take a long hard look at yourselves.' Have you tried having a good hard look at a bunch of OBOers? Why do you think Rob Smyth requires so much counselling?" Fair point, Phil Sawyer.
WICKET! Jayawardene 6 c Prior b Broad (46th over: Sri Lanka 110-3, trail by 83) Broad pitches one on a good-ish length in the corridor, the ball taking a thin but audible edge on its way through to the keeper. Broad is mighty chuffed with that, pumping his clenched fists – and that's another failure for Mahela Jayawardene, who has looked out of sorts in this series.
47th over: Sri Lanka 112-3 (Sangakkara 44, Herath 2; Sri Lanka are 81 behind) Rangana Herath, who usually bats like a barely controlled explosion, is sent out as the nightwatchman. The tourists have batted slowly and deliberately, which is not a euphemism (or maybe it is). If England can winkle out another one in these last 10 minutes, they'll probably be satisfied, though ... "At my sisters wedding my Dad littered his speech with regional-based insults aimed at her new Northern in-laws and then toasted my sister with the line "God bless her and all who sail in her". He wasn't even drunk at this point." I think I want to meet Chris Davis's dad.
48th over: Sri Lanka 112-3 (Sangakkara 44, Herath 2; Sri Lanka are 81 behind) Stuart Broad desperately wants his captain to review an lbw decision against Herath that is turned down by umpire Rod Tucker. The ball pitched some way outside leg and, thankfully, his team-mates have learned from previous mistakes and decide not to go with the bowler this time ... Dale Sellers has a point of information: "Congratulations to Phil Sawyer (over 39). He is now the owner of the album (Pointer Sister's Greatest Hits) holding the world record for the greatest differential in quality between its best song (Slow Hand) and the rest. Nobody else comes close. Incidentally, according to my French colleague, Mlle Anne, Slow Hand is one of only two justifications for the English speaking world, the other being Alaister Cook's tickle down to fine leg (which sounds a LOT better the way she says it)." Ooh er.
49th over: Sri Lanka 112-3 (Sangakkara 44, Herath 2; Sri Lanka are 81 behind) Kumar Sangakkara is on strike for the final over of the day. Jimmy Anderson steams through it, trying to give England another six balls with which to crack Herath's resistance – but the umpires have had enough. That's stumps. England are still in with a sniff of victory but it's very much in the lap of the gods. Or perhaps the meteorologists. I'll be back for more tomorrow but I'll leave you with something to make Simon McMahon smile: "No contest- Ernie by Benny Hill, Christmas number one 1971, the day after I was born." Let's hope the final day isn't deserving of a comedy soundtrack. Thanks for your emails, cheerio
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