Anyway, being on television has erroneously made many of them think that they can sing. This gives me a perfect opportunity to marry two of my less productive ways of passing time: blogging and reality t.v. Below is an evaluation of the gals' songs. I've thrown in Kim Kardashian even though she isn't a Housewife because she has also fallen victim to the reality-star-as-singer syndrome. Enjoy!
LuAnn de Lesepps (New York) - "Money Can't Buy You Class". The Countess growls that money can't buy you class, which she should know better than anyone since her 16-year old daughter was captured on video rolling a joint and using the N-word. Uh oh! LuAnn is sneaky in that she doesn't actually sing, it's more just talking and lecturing about what you should and should not allow in a man. He should hold the door and use good manners because what else really matters? Of course LuAnn was dumped by her husband in favor of a newer model, so she may not have all the answers after all.
LuAnn went to the trouble of making a video for her song. Wearing hair extensions and a slinky dress, she struts through throngs of much younger men who look more terrified of her than captivated. The song comes off like a how-to primer for snagging a man. Indeed, it has not resulted in the career she seemed to hope it would. No matter, I'm sure she's raking in millions with her book, "Class With The Countess". She seems hell-bent on convincing us that she is classy. If that's the case, wouldn't we know it without her telling us 24/7?
Kim Zolciak (Atlanta) - "Tardy For the Party". Now, the opposite of classy. Oh, Kim. She even hired Justin Bieber's vocal coach who is helping him through the nasty voice changes that accompany a young boy through puberty, but she just don't have a good voice and there's only so much Auto-Tune can do. I'm sorry. Happily, Kim has found a niche audience in the gay community and she totally works that crowd. She even made a sequel: "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing", which (believe it or not) is a smidge worse than the original song. Luckily, Kim is knocked up and can refocus her energy on being the fabulous, smoking (hot) mom that she thinks she is.
Kandi Burruss (Atlanta) - "Leave U". It's probably not really fair to include Kandi amongst these other entrants. It's not fair to everyone else because Kandi is an actual singer/songwriter, but it's also not fair to Kandi to throw her in the same category of these other wannabes. It actually kind of bums me out that Kandi is on Real Housewives and that she had Kim Zolciak open for her on "tour" (which sadly looked more like roadside state county fairs). I wish she would have some success on her own, even though I know she's probably using the show to promote her career, so she could stop faux fighting with the other chicks on this show.
Danielle Staub (New Jersey) - "Real Close". The gals on The Real Housewives shows love to pretend that they may or may not be lesbians and then act indignant that anyone would question or be intrigued by that. Queue Danielle Staub from New Jersey and her very special friend, Lori Michaels. They sang their song, "Real Close", on "Watch What Happens Live" with Andy Cohen, all while snuggling behind the piano real close (get it?). They crooned while gazing into each others' eyes, oblivious of the amused Andy Cohen. This is must-see t.v.
Now the surprising news: Danielle actually has a halfway decent voice. I'm fascinated that she is able to coax her mouth to form word through the Botox, but her sound is reminiscent of old Wham! songs (I guess there aren't any new Wham! songs)- very soft and emotional. Sadly, her fans have not spread the word and she must have moved on to her next career, which is not that of a Real Housewife.
I went to Danielle's official website, curious to see what she's up to these days, but her most recent appearance listed is from May 2010. She is a rather active Tweeter if you're interested (I'm not since a sample announced things like more snow in New Jersey- yawn).
Jo De la Rosa (OC) - "U Can't Control Me". Only a true diehard Real Housewives fan will remember Jo from the original OC shows. Now she's better known as the first girlfriend of creepy Slade, Gretchen's current freeloader beau. Here's the thing: her song is actually pretty good. She definitely appears to have put more effort into it than the other gals and she has an energetic video to match. However, since the video was posted on YouTube in 2008 I'm guessing that not much has come of it. So sad...
Kim Kardashian - "Jam". I know Kim is obviously not a Real Housewife, but she is a reality personality and thus qualified by my standards. If you watch any of the many Kardashian shows you know that despite her vampy exterior, Kim is actually a huge bore, and this song is no exception. She sounds like she's mustered up all of her brain cells to spit out the lyrics and the idea of her partying all night is laughable. I'm disappointed in The Dream for producing this song- a bigger miss for him than for Kim.
And there you have it. With few exceptions, it appears that our reality "stars" should stick to their jobs of...not doing much. However little they do, it's more entertaining than their singing!
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