Holy moly, did you know there are only seven episodes left of this season? Wait, hold on, let me do some quick mathÂ… 22 minus 15 equals 7. Yeah! There are only SEVEN episodes left, you guys!! Don't get me wrong, SO MUCH has happened on this show that it's hilarious we're only in the SECOND season. But still, seven episodes does not seem like very many, particularly with all the plot this show has laboriously set up over the last few weeks.
The main problem with last night's episode was that it was like brussels sprouts after three weeks of candy dinner. I knew it was a bad sign when the "Previously On" montage lasted like five minutes. But then throughout the episode I was trying to explain what was going on to my friend who doesn't watch the show (imagine that!) and it felt so ridiculousÂ…
"This dude's an original vampire and he's hanging around in the town to kidnap Elena someday. Not now. Later. She's cool with it."
"This lady is the vampire doppelganger ancestor of the main chick except much less boring, and she's chillin' in this tomb because some vampire told her to."
"This guy is the main chick's uncle, but he's also her biological father and her mother is a vampire, but was human when she had her, and at one point he wanted to kill all the vampires but now he's back to team up with the vampire in the tomb, plus he wants this other dude's ring because then he can't die, but last time he wore one his fingers got all chopped off."
You know what I mean? Look, I'm totally fine with a show having an elaborate backstory, but what does this show think it is, The Wire ? Absolutely nothing in this episode would have made any sense to a casual viewer. Except for the occasional stabbing, I highly doubt it would have even been entertaining at all to someone who doesn't know what's going on. But luckily we KNOW what's going on, right? I SORT OF do, but I still thought this episode was a drag. Basically all you need to know about this episode is that it involved flashbacks (ugh) and Jenna and Alaric's relationship (double ugh).
FORTUNATELY there were some scattered surprises and good times, so let's count 'em up!
We opened with a hilarious fake-out as Elena read from her great-grandfather's journal and a MALE VOICEOVER started. It was a bit of a nod to season one when the show originally had dueling voiceovers between Elena and Stefan, but also it made me laugh that it was a man's voice while Elena was reading. Speaking of which, look at how Elena was holding her pinkie finger. What a weirdo!
The flashbacks were the worst kindÂ… They added absolutely nothing important to what we pretty much knew already. In this case, we began just after the first Mystic Falls vampire genocide and the Gilbert family was enjoying the most dimly lit, awkward turkey dinner ever.
After hearing a scuffling noise outside, Old Man Gilbert ran outside (genius move) and got out his vampire detector, which was going crazy. Okay, question: there was only one vampire out there, so was Stefan running in circles around the property at lightspeed? Just kidding, I don't care.
But yeah, it was STEFAN. I guess I mentioned that already. Now you know how I felt. It was supposed to be a shocking reveal except that we already KNEW he was a vicious vampire originally. So okay, we got to see what people had been mentioning already. Great.
Back in modern day, Stefan checked in with his older bro to get his exposition for the day.
Damon had decided that Elijah needed to die. It had something to do with his plan to sacrifice Elena. Or something.
Meanwhile Elijah and Jenna were walking around the out-of-doors and he talked more about the town history. Turns out it was founded by witches? By the way, isn't it hilarious that Jenna is so involved at the Historical Society but still has no idea about vampires or witches? How does that work? Is she just accepting a paycheck and ignoring every single piece of first-person storytelling the town has ever produced? Oh, Jenna-- A ton has happened since the show began, but Jenna becoming a fleshed-out character is not one of those things.
What was this scene all about? No idea. Alaric was jealous or something.
Over at Mystic Grill, Bonnie and Jeremy were sharing a post witch-rape meal. They looked really wiped out!
Luka showed up and he was NOT happy about waking up in a public restroom the night before. For some reason he deduced that blacking out after drinking an iced blended might have been a suspicious incident. Bonnie played it dumb, because let's face it, that's one of her strengths.
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