STRANGE’S LAST NIGHT’S TOP TEN LATE-NIGHT TV JOKES JANUARY 25 2011
January Strangies: Leno 4, Letterman 3, Fallon 3, Kimmel 3, Colbert 1, O’Brien 1, Ferguson 1, Stewart 1
10. Jay Leno : In North Carolina last year 37 teachers were arrested on 81 charges of having sex with a student. The amazing part is that it was all with the same student. If this kid isn’t elected Prom King …
9. Jimmy Kimmel : Tonight Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other. Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks we finally integrated Washington.
8. Jimmy Kimmel : The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner.
7. Jimmy Kimmel : Academy Award nominations were announced at 5:30 this morning. Every year I get up early, call every famous person I know and say, “Great news! … I got a new car!”
6. Craig Ferguson : The Scottish poet Robert Burns drank a lot. A lot of great writers drank. Burns, Hemingway, Snooki.
5. Jay Leno : Instead of opposite sides, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other. The press called it “date night.” They go on the date, but we’re the ones who get screwed.
4. Conan O’Brien : A former Catholic priest who left the church to marry his girlfriend is getting his own TV show. It’s called “You Won’t Believe How I Met Your Mother.”
3. Jay Leno : Marriott Hotels is getting rid of adult movies. No more porn in the rooms. You know who’s really happy about this? The maids. Marriott will still have room service. Just no more self-service.
2. Jimmy Kimmel : Obama made a major announcement tonight. He’s Oprah’s half-brother. That’s why there’s been so much confusion about the birth certificate.
1. Jay Leno: A “Washington Post” columnist is proposing a “Sarah-Palin-Free February,” a whole month in which she’s not mentioned. This is stupid. Don’t pick February, the shortest month.
Page 73 - 1884 [Conservatives had taken over the Chinese government and ordered all Chinese students in the U.S. to come home. Mark Twain traveled to New York to ask General Grant to intervene. Grant wrote a letter.] We shipped the letter and prepared to wait a couple of months to see what the result would be.
But we had not to wait so long. The moment the General’s letter reached China a telegram came back from the Chinese government which was almost a copy in detail of General Grant’s letter and the cablegram ended with the peremptory command to old Minister Wong to continue the Chinese schools.
It was a marvelous exhibition of the influence of a private citizen of one country over the counsels of an empire situated on the other side of the globe. Such an influence could have been wielded by no other citizen in the world outside of that empire — in fact the policy of the Imperial government had been reversed from room 45, Fifth Avenue Hotel, New York, by a private citizen of the United States.
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